A Comprehensive List of My Skills

I want to go to here.

Alas, it costs money, which is not a thing I find myself tripping over and grumbling,” G0DDAMN, how did all this ca$h happen?”

And with a stagnant, sub-entry-level salary and a schedule jam-packed with responsibilities, finding sources of supplemental revenue can be difficult.

Freelancing, while helpful, is limited — the outlets that pay, pay a pittance and only upon publication; clients are decidedly hit-and-miss.

So I ask myself, what might I do in exchange for funds? What goods or services could I provide to parties willing to pay for them? Mindful of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, I’ll be the first to admit that the array of skills I possess may or may not generate demand in the marketplace.

Nevertheless, here are some things I can do (with suggested rates):

  1. Read and write — forwards, backwards, upside-down — with either/both hand(s): $2
  2. Balance up to 12 pencils on the back of my hand and toss them up in the air, catching all of them: $1
  3. Entertain children with stories of my misspent youth: $15/hour, plus any life lessons one cares to extract
  4. Dig a pretty good trench: $10/hour
  5. Fight someone with a sword: $5 (plus liquor)
  6. That thing you have to write, give it to me and I will make it better: $50/hour
  7. Pulling no punches, inform someone awful exactly how awful they are: $20
  8. Same as above, except at a formal event: wedding, funeral, baby shower, etc.: $25
  9. Give you a piece of good advice that you won’t take: $20
  10. Engage in psychological warfare with your enemies: $100/day
  11. Provide a handcrafted list of reading recommendations: $100, flat rate
  12. Smile, at you or someone else: $5 per instance (worth every penny, my smile DAZZLES)
  13. Administer medication to your evil geriatric cat , which despite its advanced age and numerous infirmities displays the strength, agility, and lethal cunning of a jaguar: $1/pill
  14. Sex waterfowl with at least 75% accuracy, $2/bird, no refunds
  15. Serve as your proxy when contacting customer service (e.g. cable provider, tech support, registrations, medical appointments, etc.): $10 per call, $5 per e-mail chain
  16. Load film into (or extract film from) a camera including 127, 135, 120 & 220 roll: $1
  17. Keep you company during something terrible and distract you with sarcastic running commentary: if it’s life or death, just buy me a coffee; if it’s not, idk, like the price of a movie ticket.
  18. Whatever you can think of, I’ll try it: price negotiable

This is all I can think of for right now, but I could be overlooking something. Let me know if I’ve forgotten anything remotely remunerative!







2 thoughts on “A Comprehensive List of My Skills

  1. JennyOH says:

    I just might actually hire you for number 15. That is an untapped niche in the market.

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