The DAFT List

Every so often, I make a DAFT List, which stands for DO A F*CKING THING. Yes, ALL CAPS.

Girl, get a haircut. Seriously. In a matter of weeks, you’ll be traveling to the Bleak Midwest for a professional conference. Do you really want a clusterf*ck of parietal trichoglyphs* determining the course of your career?

Girl, finish your application. You are applying to a graduate program and here is what you have not yet done: updated your CV, finished your personal statement, and found a third person to write a recommendation letter.

Girl, write and submit those reviews. You’ve already LISTENED TO THE AUDIOBOOKS, which is the most painful part of entire the process.**

Girl, do some yard work. For real, it looks like Tobacco Road back there, and you know your Fella is not going to fix this because, despite his many sterling qualities, he remains at heart a city boy who refers to the ground as “the floor.”

Girl, clean the guest room. Because right now, it’s not a guest room. It’s more like that door in the Simpsons’ house that leads to different places/serves different functions depending on the episode. That, or Hogwarts’ Room of Requirement. Actually, some of our past visitors have been genuinely startled to discover that the room existed, because the door is always closed (to keep the creatures out). When asked what they thought was there, they’d reply, “Nothing…I thought it was just a wall.” Which, from a cognitive science perspective, is fascinating. However, from the standpoint of hospitality…well, it’s not great.

There are other matters to attend to, other errands to run and projects to complete, but these are the most straightforward tasks — the ones that I don’t really have any excuse not to deal with, I’m just lazy or something.



*better known as hair whorls, or cowlicks
**Have you ever had an acquaintance with a grating voice, an @$$load of personal drama, and a compulsion to share EVERYTHING? Or a college roommate who studies abroad for a semester and then comes back with a weird fake accent? Well, spread that out over 11-20 CDs and you’ll have some idea of the inherent liabilities of audiobooks. I’m not saying they can’t be done well. It’s just that, too often, they simply aren’t.

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