May I present the only equation you’ll ever need.
(The * means you can substitute any life event — first holy communion, bar/bat mitzvahs, quinceañeras, graduations, bridal or baby showers, funerals, whatever — for Weddings and it still holds true.)
There is no celebration humans can dream up and execute that is objectively better than Bioshock.
Now that we’ve established this, I would like to tell you about the invitation I have just received. It is for a Bridal Shower Luncheon “celebrating” an individual who will soon be legally joined to our family, kind of like one of those court-ordered ankle collars for celebrities under house arrest. The event takes place on a Saturday afternoon at 2 pm in a whole other state that is 12 hours away from where I live, no matter which mode of transportation is employed.
But, why? I ask myself. She doesn’t even like me; why would she want me at her bridal shower?
Oh wait, I realize. She doesn’t. She just wants a gift. A separate bridal shower gift in addition to a wedding gift — and, gee, would you look at that! She’s registered at both Williams-Sonoma and Michael C. Fina. I have never heard of the second one, but I’ll bet it’s REALLY EXPENSIVE.
I txted my mother and sister something along the lines of YO WTF?!?! and with perhaps more angry emoji than was strictly necessary. Their responses were similar to, tho’ milder than mine: no way are they going. None of us b!+c#es are attending this thing.
Instead, it is decided: we shall all stay at home and play Bioshock, which is better.
P.S. My sister’s invitation is addressed to Abigail; my sister’s name is NOT Abigail. Not even close.