10 Things I Hate About Me

(And I am not including my amazing @$$ bruise, which you WON’T be seeing. Know, however, that it is perfectly round, florid purple, and measures a full four inches in diameter. Also, hurts like a motherf*cker.)

First off, I’ll start by saying that the competition was fierce. However, after a rigorous selection process (no, not really: I could basically throw darts at myself and pick a winner), I’ve narrowed it down the following:

1.) My body, in general. Over the past year or so, I’ve gained 10-15 lbs that I just can’t seem to get rid of. I wish I were able to say, “Oh, it’s probably all the commodity-sized portions of junk food that I consume every day, plus the sea of booze and soda I wash it all down with,” but it’s not.*

2.) My body, in particular my belly, which I can now gather in generous handfuls and which gives me…[drum roll]

3.) My new rolling gait! I have no doubt that in another few months, it will be a full-fledged waddle. Eventually, when well-meaning strangers start asking me when I’m due, I’ll know that it’s time to take my own life.

4.) My face, including but not limited to…

5.) …My weird vampire eyebrows.

6.) …My “chin,” which despite not really being there has, paradoxically, managed to double itself. Maybe I should just refer to it from now on as my “neck udders.”

7.) …And the general lopsidedness of my physiognomy, which is probably attributable to some sort of brain damage in utero. It may or may not be related to my nonfunctional right eye.

8.) My giant drag queen feet.

9.) My sallow, oily skin.

10.) My hair, which is preposterous.

However, if there’s an upside to this exercise, it’s that I’ve come to realize that the only thing I truly hate about myself is my physical appearance. Yes, it’s kind a big thing, but on the other hand, I’m totally fine with being bossy, b!+chy, sarcastic, and sullenrude. So that’s something.

*If only. But no, I’m the loser who manages to use the entire CSA box each week, to the point where my lunch is always something revoltingly nutritious like “curried kale over brown rice” or “sauteed squash with quinoa and a side of blueberries.” Sigh.

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